Waiting for a bus in India is the worst a person can do to his body second only to getting addicted to cocaine or growing a double chin. The ‘stand’ here actually stands for a standing iron rod with a metal pamphlet hanging with bus numbers encrypted on it without resting seats, roof or any such first world facilities that can call it a bus stand. Anyway, the wait was quite surprising as even in this harsh summer heat when everyone was dehydrating to a level where they could ejaculate powder instead of semen, this guy was urinating right behind the bus stand with everyone else being able to view the piss flow in the naturally admirable shape of a rainbow.
This put me into a deep profound level of psychological confusion forcing me to think a level more than what Pascal or Sigmund could ever reach in their time as to why Indian men urinate on walls?
The term Indian man here signifies more male dominance than what Mughal emperors could ever establish in their rules lasting eons. One look at all of them from a distance and you’ll know you are at a front viewing angle with a genus that is more diplomatic, tactical and cunning than the anti-protagonist in Ekta Kapoor serials. One of the best traits we are born with, is the quality to piss openly on walls, space under railway bridges, railway tracks, behind parked vehicles, inside water bottles, atomic gap between two atoms etc. Basically, eliminating the factor of vacant space is what our breed hates the most. Vacuum in outer space is lucky enough we can’t shoot our beloved kidneys’ by product or we would have filled and painted it too with mutra or so they call. We do it with such free spirit that even Buddha rates our concentration in performing the act at a level more than that of the Sadhus languishing in Himalayas.
Few conclusions that popped out of my mind in judging the reasons behind this special activity of my own clan:
1. Phrase: Urinate like a dog.
When it comes to defining a quality, humans love to bring out the best in animals and compare the adjectives with them. Swift like a butterfly, as calm as a cow and yada yada shit. Then came the Indian man and he thought why don’t we start copying animals when we so gladly share the network of quality appreciation? So they observed all the animals around. After innumerable cows wandering on our Times Square like roads, the second spot belongs to the dude of kingdom Animalia that has complete liberty and right to freedom to freely roam on Indian streets: Dog. It’s another thing that North East Indians and North Indians (Read: Bhaiyas) are not allowed to roam with much liberty due to various political acts Mother Nature has passed but animals share total right on walking down the streets with shoulders broader than what that mass filled cocky Arnold Shezwanegger can (Don’t give a fuck to his name’s spelling, nobody asked him to keep it this complicated. Simple Arnold Dick would have sufficed). Anyway, back to kidney filtering and wall painting.
So, the Indian man observed dog the most and then saw them urinating on poles, car tyres, building water tanks and other such awesome places and finally thought why not create a new comparison chart out of our shitty Indian life and initiate an appreciation: Urinate like a dog. No, we didn’t learn ‘loyal like a dog’ because we don’t believe in loyalty. We steal pens from the office and expect the government to behave like Lal Bahadur Shastri all the time.
2. Teasing women
There is always a comparison chart shoved down our throats the moment we arrive in Indian hospitals: YOU MEN ARE GREATER THAN WOMMMENNN similar to the tone of ‘This is SPAARRRTTAA’. Hence, we take this a notch higher. Urinating in a public place means being under the eye of everyone which includes children, men, women, uncle, aunts etc. who can glance upon your manhood too if they want to by just a little tilting of the head. Since we believe we have an upper hand over women (Upper hand here signifying domestic violence, sexual preference and all those things we should not talk about as Indian culture allows us our appreciation only) we tease them openly in thoughts and glares like ‘Here bitch, look I can stand and urinate openly, can you take that? See I am superior to you. Hahaha in your face cunts’.
I know this is just a thought in their minds which gives them a feeling that all those women who will check them will go home and cry in a corner yelling out to God ‘Why? Why me God? Why? Why can he stand and piss and I can’t? Isn’t this unfair that we have to deliver kids, make food, suffer their beatings and on top of that we have to sit and urinate every time our bladder says full?’
3. Hidden artist and freedom of expression
Remember screwing your house walls with a sketch pen as a kid drawing shapes worse than Lady Gaga’s hair styles? Yeah, that. Even though the father thinks ‘Wish I had used protection’ deep down, he goes ahead and appreciates in front of others just for the sake of covering up the irony. Being an Indian, that artist is somehow lost amongst science, commerce, arts (Arts is not even considered as a field of study. In some Indian villages, they spit on you if you are from Arts stream) followed by Engineering or CA finally ending with MBA. Urinating on walls means freedom to draw various shapes with water jets. You can draw again and again depending upon your water consumption and humidity in India. If you are of those adventurous types, you can also go for urine-blade wars.
There might be other reasons as well which I don’t have time to list down or describe or investigate the truth behind them. Though the basic reason still remains the same: stupidity, ignorance and shitty thought process, that entitles each and every Indian with the super power of ‘Sab chalta hai. Sab chizen mere baap ki hai’. I don’t have a problem with them urinating on walls; I just have a problem when they don’t urinate in their bedroom, kitchen, sofas, utensils etc.